I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Is it because I queefed?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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