yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
