two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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