You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
