The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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