He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You are a genius and a whore.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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