I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
