I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
