***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
