After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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