My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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