Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
