Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
