You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
