She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
How's work?
Spinning.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
