the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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