hotel room ftw
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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