Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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