I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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