First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I am one with the molecules
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
