i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
