he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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