She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
