Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
