My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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