The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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