I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
