woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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