we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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