the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
