i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
