What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
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