The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I think my fart just growled at me.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize