Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
