I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
