I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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