i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
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Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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