The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
