you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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