"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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