its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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