Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
