I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
