I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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