So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
