Got a toothbrush?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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