he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
