were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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