He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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