census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
