respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
