I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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