im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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