she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
