i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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