I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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