I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
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I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
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He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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