Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
